If I Change, Am I Still Me?

I’m having a lot of angst lately. It always happens when I think about change. My son doesn’t like change either. I tell him, “Try it for a while, then you’ll get used to it, and you won’t feel comfortable doing it the old way.”. It's good advice, and I usually do that. The problem with this decision is I wonder if I really want to do it this new way forever.
Before I met FlyLady, I went to bed all the time with dirty dishes in the sink. I spent most of my time with dirty dishes in the sink. I washed them at 4:00, so I’d have a clean kitchen to cook dinner in. Since FlyLady, I wash my dishes as soon as I’m done eating. I always knew that was how it was supposed to be done, I just never did it.
One day last week, the hubby and kids were on their own for dinner. I went shopping with some friends, and we got dinner out. When I got home, there were dishes in the sink. I was really tired, and I had new books I wanted to read. But, there were dishes in the sink. I ended up cleaning the kitchen instead of going to bed or reading.
While I washed them (it only took 6 minutes), I really wondered if it was obsessive or compulsive. It really wasn’t, I wasn’t worried about them, I just wanted my sink to be shiny (it’s a FlyLady thing).
As I realized that I am now a person that keeps her dishes clean, I reflected on whether that was a good thing or not. Why would I consider that being conscientious about washing your dishes might be a bad thing? I’m not sure. I just worry that maybe I’ll become someone that never has fun, because she’s always cleaning the kitchen.
The funny part is that I do a lot more fun things now that the house is clean. I really don’t stress over the housework, it always gets done. It takes a lot less time and effort than it used to. But, I still worry that I’ll be one of those moms that freaks out if the kids spill something or walk on the rug with shoes.
I cut my hair this week. No, I didn’t get it cut, I cut it myself with a little help from my daughter. I really like the way it turned out. I just get out of the shower, blow dry it upside down, and put some humidity control gel stuff in it. It has a little natural wave on the ends, and I think it looks nice. Other people have told me it looks nice too. But, (you knew there’d be a but) I’ve never really maintained a hairstyle. My hair grows very fast, so I usually get it cut once every two or three years, and let it get pretty long in between. When I did try to get it done every two months, they never cut it the same way twice, so I gave up trying to maintain the same style.
This time, I did it myself, and I can do it again. But, do I want to be a woman that gets her hair cut on a regular basis? What kind of question is that? Why wouldn’t I want to? I wish I could put it in words. Maybe I think it’s a slippery slope? Maybe if I keep up with my hair, my clothes would have to be nicer to go with it. Maybe I would be the kind of woman that checks her hair while she’s out for the day. Wait, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that self-improvement?
But...what if it’s just self-absorbed and shallow? What if keeping up with a hairstyle takes up a little brain energy that I used to use for writing? What if checking to make sure I’m using the right shade of lipstick for the blouse I have on takes up a little more? Where does it end? At what point have I done enough for my image? Should I get Botox? I could really use a tummy tuck.
I think there’s more at the bottom of this. I don’t think it’s about hair at all. I think I’m worried about who I will be if I establish a successful blog, or if I become recognized as an artist, or even just get a full-time job. Here I am going down this road, and I’m wondering who I’ll be when I get to the end.
I have to do something to earn enough to get a car. I really need one, and hubby’s income is enough for everything except a car payment. So, I have to make some income somehow. I’m looking into telecommuting, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything. If I just keep selling on Ebay, I won’t make enough. I have to get enough people interested in my art and designer clothes/accessories to justify higher prices. I have to reopen my Ebay store and keep it stocked with new items.
To make Ebay work, I’d have to pour myself into it. And I wonder when they finally wring it out, what will be left of me?
Will I be transformed into a popular designer? Will I go to bear shows just to sign my items? Will a famous company pick up my line and manufacture them? Or will I be bankrupt financially, morally, and physically?
I think that to make a living on Ebay, I would need to be very talented, and I would have to market myself well. I’m not sure I am, or that I can. I'm not sure that I want to be a success. But, does that mean I'm a failure?
I know I'm not a failure. I'm a good wife and mother, but that won't buy me a car. I have to be more. Now, what will I become?

What did you buy on Ebay this week?

It’s Sunday, Ebay day, I only got a couple things listed today. It’s been pretty hectic around here, so I didn’t get as much done as I wanted.
I started making the cutest doll dress I’ve made in a long time. I was really happy with the way it was turning out, and then I went to get the elastic to put in the matching panties. I have turned my sewing room upside down, and I cannot for the life of me find the box with elastic. It’s a shoebox sized red box. There are two other boxes the same size and style with it. I can see it in my head, but I cannot put my hand on it, so it will have to wait till next week.
I did list one reborn. I have a few here that I made for a doll show. As it turns out, there were only 20 people at the show, and no one sold much. I don’t know if I’ll make more, it’s a pretty competitive market. I really like making bears more, anyway.
I won two auctions this week, but I haven’t gotten the items yet. I’ll share pics next Sunday. I’d love to know what you bought this week.

Wow, do I have a lot to learn!

I think Ebay spoiled me. I had some dolls I wanted to sell. I went there, used keywords, clear pictures, good descriptions, and the bidders found my items. Easy, well, there was a learning curve, but they did most of the work.
Blogging is way different. There's a whole world that I hadn't even heard of until I started looking. I can see that my next week is going to be filled with research. - until tonight, I thought Ping was a panda.
I only listed three items this week, because of blogging. I wonder how badly I'll do next week?
I guess it will be OK, because my kids are going to stay with friend's for the week.
If you've bookmarked me, hang in there, it can only get better from here.

The artist side of me

I love to make things, and I love art. I really love making things with textiles, I love any fiber. I worked at a fabric store for a while, just because I loved folding the fabric. Yes, it is an illness.
I'm what my mom calls a jack of all trades, master of none. I knit, crochet, smock, needle felt, cross stitch, quilt, if it uses fabric or yarn, I do it. I go in phases, where I do one thing more than others, but I usually make bears, dolls, or something to dress them in. I can make clothes, but I find more enjoyment in making something decorative.
This month, with the flowers blooming, I was feeling very frilly. So, I made fluffy porch pillows. I also just sat down one night while hubby was watching t.v. and made a couple thread bears. They're fun, because it doesn't matter if they turn out right, because there's no pattern. They become what they want to become. And, of course, I needle felted a bear. I love needle felting, it's like sculpting, but I still get the textile feel.
When I got back from vacation, I got them listed on Ebay. You can look if you like: http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZlullaby*lakeQQhtZ-1QQfrppZ50QQfsopZ1QQfsooZ1QQrdZ0
I'll get pictures of past projects up soon, I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of work involved in setting up a blog.