If I Change, Am I Still Me?

I’m having a lot of angst lately. It always happens when I think about change. My son doesn’t like change either. I tell him, “Try it for a while, then you’ll get used to it, and you won’t feel comfortable doing it the old way.”. It's good advice, and I usually do that. The problem with this decision is I wonder if I really want to do it this new way forever.
Before I met FlyLady, I went to bed all the time with dirty dishes in the sink. I spent most of my time with dirty dishes in the sink. I washed them at 4:00, so I’d have a clean kitchen to cook dinner in. Since FlyLady, I wash my dishes as soon as I’m done eating. I always knew that was how it was supposed to be done, I just never did it.
One day last week, the hubby and kids were on their own for dinner. I went shopping with some friends, and we got dinner out. When I got home, there were dishes in the sink. I was really tired, and I had new books I wanted to read. But, there were dishes in the sink. I ended up cleaning the kitchen instead of going to bed or reading.
While I washed them (it only took 6 minutes), I really wondered if it was obsessive or compulsive. It really wasn’t, I wasn’t worried about them, I just wanted my sink to be shiny (it’s a FlyLady thing).
As I realized that I am now a person that keeps her dishes clean, I reflected on whether that was a good thing or not. Why would I consider that being conscientious about washing your dishes might be a bad thing? I’m not sure. I just worry that maybe I’ll become someone that never has fun, because she’s always cleaning the kitchen.
The funny part is that I do a lot more fun things now that the house is clean. I really don’t stress over the housework, it always gets done. It takes a lot less time and effort than it used to. But, I still worry that I’ll be one of those moms that freaks out if the kids spill something or walk on the rug with shoes.
I cut my hair this week. No, I didn’t get it cut, I cut it myself with a little help from my daughter. I really like the way it turned out. I just get out of the shower, blow dry it upside down, and put some humidity control gel stuff in it. It has a little natural wave on the ends, and I think it looks nice. Other people have told me it looks nice too. But, (you knew there’d be a but) I’ve never really maintained a hairstyle. My hair grows very fast, so I usually get it cut once every two or three years, and let it get pretty long in between. When I did try to get it done every two months, they never cut it the same way twice, so I gave up trying to maintain the same style.
This time, I did it myself, and I can do it again. But, do I want to be a woman that gets her hair cut on a regular basis? What kind of question is that? Why wouldn’t I want to? I wish I could put it in words. Maybe I think it’s a slippery slope? Maybe if I keep up with my hair, my clothes would have to be nicer to go with it. Maybe I would be the kind of woman that checks her hair while she’s out for the day. Wait, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that self-improvement?
But...what if it’s just self-absorbed and shallow? What if keeping up with a hairstyle takes up a little brain energy that I used to use for writing? What if checking to make sure I’m using the right shade of lipstick for the blouse I have on takes up a little more? Where does it end? At what point have I done enough for my image? Should I get Botox? I could really use a tummy tuck.
I think there’s more at the bottom of this. I don’t think it’s about hair at all. I think I’m worried about who I will be if I establish a successful blog, or if I become recognized as an artist, or even just get a full-time job. Here I am going down this road, and I’m wondering who I’ll be when I get to the end.
I have to do something to earn enough to get a car. I really need one, and hubby’s income is enough for everything except a car payment. So, I have to make some income somehow. I’m looking into telecommuting, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything. If I just keep selling on Ebay, I won’t make enough. I have to get enough people interested in my art and designer clothes/accessories to justify higher prices. I have to reopen my Ebay store and keep it stocked with new items.
To make Ebay work, I’d have to pour myself into it. And I wonder when they finally wring it out, what will be left of me?
Will I be transformed into a popular designer? Will I go to bear shows just to sign my items? Will a famous company pick up my line and manufacture them? Or will I be bankrupt financially, morally, and physically?
I think that to make a living on Ebay, I would need to be very talented, and I would have to market myself well. I’m not sure I am, or that I can. I'm not sure that I want to be a success. But, does that mean I'm a failure?
I know I'm not a failure. I'm a good wife and mother, but that won't buy me a car. I have to be more. Now, what will I become?

Is "focus" overrated?

The title of this started out as "I've got to be more focused". But, as I thought about it (while I was doing laundry, teaching the kids, and planning dinner) I realized that I might not be able to accomplish all I do if I only did one thing at a time.
FlyLady described us as butterflies. She said that one of the things butterflies are known for is flitting from flower to flower, never staying in one place very long. So, that's how I'm picturing myself today.
My lack of focus is only a problem when I interact with others. Can you imagine following a butterfly for a day? Infact, now that I think about it, the butterflies in my garden are usually alone. Sometimes I feel that no one will read my blog, because... well, besides the fact that I haven't tried hard enough to get it into search engines, because I flit from subject to subject. If someone wants housekeeping tips, or recipes, or gardening tips, they may find me in a search engine. But, they won't stay, because I won't have tips the next day.
The only time butterflies are in groups is when they migrate. A butterfly migration is amazing to watch. The sky fills with fluttering wings, a mass of undulating color. And, they all accomplish their goal together. So, even butterflies can cooperate. They just have to have a common goal.
FlyLady says to break big jobs into little pieces. She divides the house into "zones". I think I'm going to divide the week into zones. One day will be for crafts, one for recipes, etc.
Well, guess what? I have to flit to my next project already. I have friends in college that want a little algebra help, I have to drive my daughter to a party, and I have to make dinner. I'll work on this later tonight.
For now, be patient with me, I'm not as focused on this as I'd like to be. But, butterflies seldom are.