The Sandwich Generation

I belong to the "Sandwich Generation". I'm starting to feel like bologna.
The phrase means you're taking care of kids and parents at the same time. It makes it sound like there's a slice of bread on each side, kids on one, parents on the other. I wish it was that simple. My sandwich would scare Dagwood.
I've been taking care of someone for 19 years now, and I don't think there's any end in sight.
When hubby and I got married, his grandmother was still alive. His parents lived across the street from her and took care of her. We didn't do a lot for her or his parents, but he felt that we couldn't live where we wanted to, because we needed to stay close enough to help when they did need it. We helped them make decisions when the vacuum salesperson came around, and if the cable went out, we made sure it was plugged into the wall before they called the repair service. He did a lot more for them than I did. We didn't buy a house right away, because his parents were going to move when his grandmother died. We all were going to move to the city I live in now.
After 5 years of marriage, we decided to have a kid and buy a house anyway. We lived in that house for 10 years before grandma wasn't with us any more.
By the time we had kids, his parents needed care too. Not anything full time, but enough that we couldn't go on vacation without worrying about them. By the time our oldest was 10, hubby's mom passed away and we were left to take care of his dad. His mom was sick for 6 years before she died. They maintained their own residence, but we did all we could for them. We worried about them.
Grandpa moved with us when we moved. We got a piece of property that had a small trailer for him on it. He lived with us for a year and decided to remarry and move to California.
By then, my grandmother needed care and my father who lived beside her did his best. She hired someone to stay with her, and that helped a lot, but she had a stroke and had to be moved to a full time nursing facility. I helped with the mountains of paperwork involved in getting her into the facility, and I visited as often as I could. I began calling myself a "patient liason", because I would go to the doctor's appointments with them and explain what he said and help them remember what he said later.
My grandmother passed away almost two years ago, my father has had a couple minor surgeries since then, but it was quiet for a little while. I still take my mom shopping, because she doesn't drive, but I only do it when I have to go to the store myself.
But, this weekend, my mom was in the hospital for "tests". She has severe osteoporosis, with 7 compression fractures in her lower back. She is in pain all the time, but it gets worse at night. She just can't do what she used to do.
I feel the need to do more for her now, but I'm just not sure how much I have to give.
My kids are teenagers now, and I thought I'd have more time on my hands. It turns out that I'm spending more sleepless nights with my daughter now than I did when she was a year old. It seems that 12 year-olds have a lot to talk about, but they only talk after 12:00 midnight.
My dad is 9 years younger than my mom. When she's not around, it will be his turn to need care, my hubby is only 20 years younger than him, and in poor health, so by the time my dad is gone, it will be hubby's turn to get the attention.
I have this horrible guilt. See, the only way I can not take care of them anymore, is for them to no longer need help. With the kids, they can learn to stand on their own and grow up. With the parents, it's not such a happy change. I never want any of them to think that I don't want to take care of them. But, I get tired.
This weekend, I stayed at the hospital with my mom. She doesn't like to be alone, my sister had to work, and my dad totally freaks out in hospitals. I didn't get the rest I needed sleeping in a recliner, and being awakened by nurses every couple hours. When I came home, my daughter was really emotional and I had to spend time with her. Hubby was worried about my mom and remembering how his mom went, so he got himself worked up into a migrane, that always makes me upset.
So, I slept in on Monday, and I cleaned house like a maniac today. Hopefully, I got all the fires put out, and tomorrow I can get back to my busy routine.
Sometimes you're the bologna, sometimes you're the bread.

If I Change, Am I Still Me?

I’m having a lot of angst lately. It always happens when I think about change. My son doesn’t like change either. I tell him, “Try it for a while, then you’ll get used to it, and you won’t feel comfortable doing it the old way.”. It's good advice, and I usually do that. The problem with this decision is I wonder if I really want to do it this new way forever.
Before I met FlyLady, I went to bed all the time with dirty dishes in the sink. I spent most of my time with dirty dishes in the sink. I washed them at 4:00, so I’d have a clean kitchen to cook dinner in. Since FlyLady, I wash my dishes as soon as I’m done eating. I always knew that was how it was supposed to be done, I just never did it.
One day last week, the hubby and kids were on their own for dinner. I went shopping with some friends, and we got dinner out. When I got home, there were dishes in the sink. I was really tired, and I had new books I wanted to read. But, there were dishes in the sink. I ended up cleaning the kitchen instead of going to bed or reading.
While I washed them (it only took 6 minutes), I really wondered if it was obsessive or compulsive. It really wasn’t, I wasn’t worried about them, I just wanted my sink to be shiny (it’s a FlyLady thing).
As I realized that I am now a person that keeps her dishes clean, I reflected on whether that was a good thing or not. Why would I consider that being conscientious about washing your dishes might be a bad thing? I’m not sure. I just worry that maybe I’ll become someone that never has fun, because she’s always cleaning the kitchen.
The funny part is that I do a lot more fun things now that the house is clean. I really don’t stress over the housework, it always gets done. It takes a lot less time and effort than it used to. But, I still worry that I’ll be one of those moms that freaks out if the kids spill something or walk on the rug with shoes.
I cut my hair this week. No, I didn’t get it cut, I cut it myself with a little help from my daughter. I really like the way it turned out. I just get out of the shower, blow dry it upside down, and put some humidity control gel stuff in it. It has a little natural wave on the ends, and I think it looks nice. Other people have told me it looks nice too. But, (you knew there’d be a but) I’ve never really maintained a hairstyle. My hair grows very fast, so I usually get it cut once every two or three years, and let it get pretty long in between. When I did try to get it done every two months, they never cut it the same way twice, so I gave up trying to maintain the same style.
This time, I did it myself, and I can do it again. But, do I want to be a woman that gets her hair cut on a regular basis? What kind of question is that? Why wouldn’t I want to? I wish I could put it in words. Maybe I think it’s a slippery slope? Maybe if I keep up with my hair, my clothes would have to be nicer to go with it. Maybe I would be the kind of woman that checks her hair while she’s out for the day. Wait, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that self-improvement?
But...what if it’s just self-absorbed and shallow? What if keeping up with a hairstyle takes up a little brain energy that I used to use for writing? What if checking to make sure I’m using the right shade of lipstick for the blouse I have on takes up a little more? Where does it end? At what point have I done enough for my image? Should I get Botox? I could really use a tummy tuck.
I think there’s more at the bottom of this. I don’t think it’s about hair at all. I think I’m worried about who I will be if I establish a successful blog, or if I become recognized as an artist, or even just get a full-time job. Here I am going down this road, and I’m wondering who I’ll be when I get to the end.
I have to do something to earn enough to get a car. I really need one, and hubby’s income is enough for everything except a car payment. So, I have to make some income somehow. I’m looking into telecommuting, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything. If I just keep selling on Ebay, I won’t make enough. I have to get enough people interested in my art and designer clothes/accessories to justify higher prices. I have to reopen my Ebay store and keep it stocked with new items.
To make Ebay work, I’d have to pour myself into it. And I wonder when they finally wring it out, what will be left of me?
Will I be transformed into a popular designer? Will I go to bear shows just to sign my items? Will a famous company pick up my line and manufacture them? Or will I be bankrupt financially, morally, and physically?
I think that to make a living on Ebay, I would need to be very talented, and I would have to market myself well. I’m not sure I am, or that I can. I'm not sure that I want to be a success. But, does that mean I'm a failure?
I know I'm not a failure. I'm a good wife and mother, but that won't buy me a car. I have to be more. Now, what will I become?

This post starts with an appology. I've been very busy lately, and I think I've been short with a lot of people in my life. It's even crept in here, but today I was busy and having a bad day, and I said something that hurt my daughter's feelings.
I am very sorry that I said it. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, it was a thoughtless comment. But it addressed something that she's sensitive about, and I should have known it was important to her.
I would never want to say anything that would upset her. She's such a great kid, and I'm really proud of her. Unfortunately, she's a lot like me, and she sets standards for herself that are way too high.
Goals are great, but she needs to remember that goals are things that you're trying to do, not things that you are already able to do. You can't beat yourself up for not accomplishing your goals instantly. If you do reach them immediately, they weren't the right goals.
I just wish that my daughter and every woman on the planet could see that not being able to do something today, is not the same as never being able to do it. And, that Can't really can't.
I can't take back what I said today, but I can try to help her to see that what I said was just stupid. Moms make mistakes too. And even if I don't like the way she does something, I love her and her enthusiasm.

I do want to post here every day. But, when my family needs me, that's where I need to be. And that's the thought I leave you with today: Your children will never be the age they are today again. There will be other grocery shopping days, there will be more laundry and dishes tomorrow. But, when your child needs to talk, they can't wait. You can hire someone to do the housework, but no one can replace "mommy".

Go hug your kids.

Don't mend your sails in a storm

A little more than 19 years ago, when hubby and I got home from our honeymoon, we eagerly watched the wedding video that a friend made. We were surprised to find interviews with some of our friends and family on it. The comments included advice from people of all ages and walks of life, but the only one I remember is this: "Never mend your sails in a storm".

Tonight something happened, and my initial reaction was to come here and say, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not contented, I have no business telling you how to better yourself, I'm a mess myself." But, now that the storm is over, I realize that it is the ability to get through rough weather is what proves we're sea worthy.

I am not perfect, I do not do everything with my family as well as I would like to do it. My hubby gets sick and tired of me sometimes. But, he's always there for me. He is my best friend, no matter what. I love my family, and I'm trying to do my best.

If you want a magic fairy to tell you how to be the perfect wife, you won't find it here. If you want someone who knows how tough it is to deal with homeschooler's that you never get a break from, pets and science projects all over the house, and a hubby that just wants to spend time with you alone, I hope you hang around and leave me a comment now and then.

As you can see by the time of this post, I'm failing on my bed time goal too, so I will leave you until tomorrow.