If I Change, Am I Still Me?

I’m having a lot of angst lately. It always happens when I think about change. My son doesn’t like change either. I tell him, “Try it for a while, then you’ll get used to it, and you won’t feel comfortable doing it the old way.”. It's good advice, and I usually do that. The problem with this decision is I wonder if I really want to do it this new way forever.
Before I met FlyLady, I went to bed all the time with dirty dishes in the sink. I spent most of my time with dirty dishes in the sink. I washed them at 4:00, so I’d have a clean kitchen to cook dinner in. Since FlyLady, I wash my dishes as soon as I’m done eating. I always knew that was how it was supposed to be done, I just never did it.
One day last week, the hubby and kids were on their own for dinner. I went shopping with some friends, and we got dinner out. When I got home, there were dishes in the sink. I was really tired, and I had new books I wanted to read. But, there were dishes in the sink. I ended up cleaning the kitchen instead of going to bed or reading.
While I washed them (it only took 6 minutes), I really wondered if it was obsessive or compulsive. It really wasn’t, I wasn’t worried about them, I just wanted my sink to be shiny (it’s a FlyLady thing).
As I realized that I am now a person that keeps her dishes clean, I reflected on whether that was a good thing or not. Why would I consider that being conscientious about washing your dishes might be a bad thing? I’m not sure. I just worry that maybe I’ll become someone that never has fun, because she’s always cleaning the kitchen.
The funny part is that I do a lot more fun things now that the house is clean. I really don’t stress over the housework, it always gets done. It takes a lot less time and effort than it used to. But, I still worry that I’ll be one of those moms that freaks out if the kids spill something or walk on the rug with shoes.
I cut my hair this week. No, I didn’t get it cut, I cut it myself with a little help from my daughter. I really like the way it turned out. I just get out of the shower, blow dry it upside down, and put some humidity control gel stuff in it. It has a little natural wave on the ends, and I think it looks nice. Other people have told me it looks nice too. But, (you knew there’d be a but) I’ve never really maintained a hairstyle. My hair grows very fast, so I usually get it cut once every two or three years, and let it get pretty long in between. When I did try to get it done every two months, they never cut it the same way twice, so I gave up trying to maintain the same style.
This time, I did it myself, and I can do it again. But, do I want to be a woman that gets her hair cut on a regular basis? What kind of question is that? Why wouldn’t I want to? I wish I could put it in words. Maybe I think it’s a slippery slope? Maybe if I keep up with my hair, my clothes would have to be nicer to go with it. Maybe I would be the kind of woman that checks her hair while she’s out for the day. Wait, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that self-improvement?
But...what if it’s just self-absorbed and shallow? What if keeping up with a hairstyle takes up a little brain energy that I used to use for writing? What if checking to make sure I’m using the right shade of lipstick for the blouse I have on takes up a little more? Where does it end? At what point have I done enough for my image? Should I get Botox? I could really use a tummy tuck.
I think there’s more at the bottom of this. I don’t think it’s about hair at all. I think I’m worried about who I will be if I establish a successful blog, or if I become recognized as an artist, or even just get a full-time job. Here I am going down this road, and I’m wondering who I’ll be when I get to the end.
I have to do something to earn enough to get a car. I really need one, and hubby’s income is enough for everything except a car payment. So, I have to make some income somehow. I’m looking into telecommuting, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find anything. If I just keep selling on Ebay, I won’t make enough. I have to get enough people interested in my art and designer clothes/accessories to justify higher prices. I have to reopen my Ebay store and keep it stocked with new items.
To make Ebay work, I’d have to pour myself into it. And I wonder when they finally wring it out, what will be left of me?
Will I be transformed into a popular designer? Will I go to bear shows just to sign my items? Will a famous company pick up my line and manufacture them? Or will I be bankrupt financially, morally, and physically?
I think that to make a living on Ebay, I would need to be very talented, and I would have to market myself well. I’m not sure I am, or that I can. I'm not sure that I want to be a success. But, does that mean I'm a failure?
I know I'm not a failure. I'm a good wife and mother, but that won't buy me a car. I have to be more. Now, what will I become?