My family has been accusing me of being a "clean freak" lately. They are saying that I'm upset when the house is messy. I can understand why they're confused, they've interpreted the cause as the effect.
When they see me cleaning the house like a madwoman, I'm in a bad mood. When I'm finished, I calm down. They interpret this to mean that I don't like cleaning. It's actually the opposite.
When I am like this, it is because I feel I have no control over my life. I feel that things are closing in on me from all sides. I need a way to feel in control. So, I make a world that I control. On this 3 acres of land, I have some say. I can decide whether the grass is overgrown or mown, whether the laundry is piled up and smelly or neatly folded in drawers, whether the sink is full of dishes or shiny. I have a method for mowing the grass, folding the laundry, and washing the dishes, this is my therapy. When I am in complete control of those few things, life is good.
So, when I'm in a bad mood cleaning, it's not that the cleaning put me in a bad mood, it's that the bad mood made me clean. When I'm better when it's done, it's the actual act of the work that helped my mood. If anyone does the task for me, my coping mechanism is gone. I don't know how to get out of that mood.
So far, it has not become a compulsion. I hope it never does. For now, being a good housekeeper is just a way that I can feel in control.
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1 comment:
Thank you...
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